Alive
by G4rrusVakarian
Summary: something sadish. blah blah characters owned by Bioware blah blah don't sue me.


She wasn't dead, but she wanted to be. The inky blackness that has surrounded her for what feels like forever, is making her want to give up hope that she'll make it out of it. The only thing that kept her going where her happy thoughts. If she thought about anything even remotely sad she didn't want to move. She had to move. If not for herself at least for him. The main source of her happiness over the last few years.

He always knew what to say, even after some of the most devastating of days. The days that make you take a step back and ask yourself "What the fuck am I doing?" All things would melt away when he was around. He was the perfect storm to make her feel better, make her want to move on.

"I made a promise. And I intend to keep it." that was her motto she would say it to herself over and over, like a mantra.

"I made a promise."

"I made a promise."

"You made a promise."

"Where did that come from?" she thought to herself

"You made a promise." There it was again. She whipped around trying to find the source of the voice. His voice. The voice that would always bring her back from her darkest thoughts. She thought back to one of the darkest moments in her life. The only time he saved her from herself.

"_Shepard you in here? Shep...ard?" He quickly ran to her and wrestled the gun from her hand. They were now on the floor. garrus over Shepard pinning her arms down. "What did you plan to do with that? Tell me! TELL ME!"_

"_Ah you're hurting me!" _

"_Oh sorry." He got up at picked her up and placed her back onto the bed she was previously sitting on._

"_I don't want to talk about it." _

"_Wrong answer." She quickly eyed him. She was confused, she had never had anyone talk to her like that before, at least not by someone who served under her. He picked up the gun from the ground and quickly disassembled it and placed all but one piece on the counter near by. The other piece was kept on his person. He then locked the door, trapping them both in the room and put a chair near the door which he then sat in. "Now neither of us are leaving until we talk about this."_

"_When did you become a therapist?"_

"_Firstly don't try to change the subject. Secondly a therapist would just give you some random meds and tell you they'll make you better. Thirdly you now have a friend here who is now very concerned for you and you're trying to make light of it. What I just saw was not funny. And don't try and tell me it was a moment of weakness because that's some shit and you know it."_

"_I don't want to talk about it."_

"_There are nearly a hundred people on this ship and you didn't even try to talk to anyone did you? We all care about you, some more than others. And now instead of talking to the person you would have talked to, your forced to talk to me about it and I highly doubt I was your first choice. So now I'll sit here all night and all day if I have to. Until I feel this is resolved."_

So that's what happened they sat and sat and waited and waited, until she fell asleep and he fell asleep as well. Knowing that he needed less sleep than her and being a light sleeper she wouldn't be able to sneak past him. When he woke up he quickly exited the room and found someone who would bring them both food.

When the food arrived he took it and saw her just waking up probably due to the loud knock on the metal door.

"_You're really serious about this."_

"_Should I not be? Was that not some serious thought you were putting to what you were doing?"_

"_Fine you want to know?"_

"_That's what i'm here for."_

"_Fine. If you want to know so bad i'll tell you. Subbern Turian." _she said under breath. "_It should have been me down there. I should been the one to die. I should have been the one to be left behind to set the bomb, not her. She should be alive not me." _

"_NO. You, stop right there, stop right fuckin' there. How can you even say that? You had to choose. I don't care what your reasoning was, but you had to choose. She knew that, and he knows that. It had to be done. She died so that you could carry on and see it to the end. Not to watch you from wherever she is and see what I saw."_

_How can you even know what it's like? To be in that position."_

"_Shepard the reason i'm so concerned is because I do know what it's like. Not what happend on Virmire, but the reason that I reacted so quickly is because I was about to do the same thing a couple of years ago. The only reason i'm here today is because I got a case that took all my attention from it. I was very lucky that I was put on that case. Otherwise I don't know if i'd be having this conversation with you right now." _He looked her dead in the eye.

"_Let me tell you a story that I made very hard to find on my record. A few years ago I was tasked to show a new guy the route he would run while on that shift. We were attacked. He got shot and there was nothing I could do. They ended up killing him. He was just a kid, probably just out of basic. A god damn kid. The higher ups would tell that it would be fine and that there was nothing that I could have done. I would always nod out of politeness, but I never believed them and it almost cost me my life. So yeah I do. More than you think. That's the reason i'm so concerned."_

"_I-I never knew._ She stared at her hands for almost a minute just thinking of a way to respond. _I'm sorry and you're right I should have talked to someone, but you were wrong about one thing. You more likely than not would have been my first choice. Because for some reason I, find you easy to talk to. You seem to always listen, even after everyone else has checked out, you're always trying to solve a problem even when it's not your own. Your trust means so much to me and I would hate to lose it over something dumb. I just hope that whoever you end up with respects that as much as I do. Thank you for helping. If i ever find myself in a situation like that again i'll definitely talk to someone, but don't expect it not to be you._

"You always knew how to deal with people." Her mind slipped into another memory.

"_Hey I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigilantes salary." _When he ran to the control panel to turn on some music she thought that it would something that he would regret putting on, probably because Joker said it was a good song. Instead he put on just some soft piano tune. She told herself that he must have spent so long on trying to find a perfect song for how he felt.

"_Garrus this is… and the music… and you look…." _Why was she so nervous. She has faced down things that the average person thought was a myth. She had saved the galaxy and was about to do it again. If that couldn't make her nervous why would this. "_He put so much effort into making this perfect. I don't want to fuck this up." _She thought to herself "_I mean he took so much time to put this together and what? To be with me, who am I. I'm just some Cerberus exp…" _He touched her arm and she flinched and he quickly pulled away.

"_Shepard i'm sorry… I… this was a bad idea i'm just going to leave. I'm sorry._

"_Garrus no I just I." _she sighed. "_I didn't mean to flinch like that I… there's just something I need to tell you. Would you sit down please?" _She directed him to the sofa. " _Alright here it goes. Do you remember when you saved me back on the sr1?_

"_Which time?"_

"_Garrus." _She said his name in a more stern tone.

"_Of course I do, it was one of the worst days of my life. You know that. I had never seen you like that… it was terrible."_

"_Well, when you had me pinned to the floor you weren't actually hurting me. I just… I just. I never let people touch me, you know. Other than hand shakes and things of that nature._

"_What why?"_

"_Before I joined the Alliance, I had this boyfriend who got very handsy one night. I was very lucky that we were in a public place, because if we weren't. Well I don't like to think what might have happened. Then the next day the Batarians attacked the colony. I took it as a bad omen. I tried not to let it get to me but..." _She trailed off.

"_Shepard I don't know what to say. Thank you? I'm sorry? That you trust me enough to be the person you, allow to get this close to you. To be the person in this cabin with you tonight of all nights, I thank you. And i'm sorry for what happened that it must have been very traumatic, if you haven't allowed yourself to be with someone until now."_

"_It was never a matter of trust. You being Turian gave me more than enough reason to trust you. That you would even willingly work with a human granted you my trust. That you work with every ounce of your being to get what you want. That's why I trust you. The reason you're up here instead of anyone else is because, you always know what to say to make me feel better, you seem to genuinely care about what I say, you always have my back without concern for yourself, and the reason I haven't found anyone is because I wanted to find . And I tried to. A few guys during basic and even Kadian but they turned out not to be who I wanted. You came back, even though you really didn't have a choice. You could have done the same thing Kadian did, tell me to fuck off and never want to see me ever again. But you didn't and for that I thank you. And now that I think about it I never did get to thank you for what you did back there, nor did I ask you why you were looking for me. All I know is, if you didn't show up when you did… my brains probably would have been splattered all over the wall. So for that I thank you. Thank you for literally saving my life, thank you for locking yourself in that room with me, thank you for showing up when you did, thank you for being so concerned, and thank you for you being you. That's the reason you're here tonight, because i'm sure that you are my . The only thing that I regret is not noticing earlier._

He was speechless. He was moving his mouth but, he just couldn't form the words he wanted say. _Shepard I… I have seen so much go wrong. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis. I just want something to go right just once, just…" _She pulled him into a kiss, because if she didn't her heart wouldn't be able to take it.

Now she getting angry, because she felt so not in control. She felt as if she would be stuck in this eternal hell forever. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS HELL? MY… my whole life was devoted to saving people, and for what? So you can show me that the one thing that I wanted to myself is alone now? That because i'm here there is no saving him. That because of who I am I, can't have my own life, that because i'm, Commander Shepard, the perfect soldier, the savior of the galaxy that I can't be a real person? "WELL FUCK YOU!" If I get out of here I'll show you. I'll show you that i'm a normal person, who can love and have house and a family, with my husband or mate of whatever we decide to do."

"Please Jane come back."

"please."

"DO YOU HEAR HIS PLEADING? BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DO! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM…" She was then dragged into another memory.

"_And maybe we'll find out what a Turian- Human baby looks like."_

"_Kids there's an idea I haven't had in a long time."_

"_Well there will be a lot of Krogan babies running around soon."_

"_Hmm, I think i'd want you all to myself for a while."_

"_What afraid junior's gonna be scared of daddy's gun collection?"_

" _Ha. You mean our gun collection and no, but I think that two highly trained killers is enough for one family."_

"_Shepard you do realize that it's not just you and I in this family. The entire crew is family you know that, and besides you have already basically raised one deadly Krogan, so what's another?" _She stared up at her boyfriend, mate, future husband, and pulled him in for what may have been their final kiss. She pulled away unwillingly and proceeded out the door.

"_And Shepard forgive the insubordination but you boyfriend has an order for you. Come. Back. Alive. It be an awfully empty galaxy without you." _

She wanted to get out. She needed to get out. She had stopped running when the memories played in her mind. They were crippling making her fall to the floor unable to move for duration. But now she was in a dead sprint trying to find somewhere or something to head towards. Then she saw a small light, the only one that she has seen the entire time. Now it was the only thing in her mind. "Get to the light" over and over again like a mantra.

He saw the spikes in brain activity not really thinking anything of it. One passed then another and another. And now it was constant and her eyes were opening. "Shepard. SHEPARD. Can you hear me? If you can I need you to settle down. You're in the hospital, the Reapers are gone, whatever you did killed them. You did it."

"Water."

"Oh water yeah, give me a sec." He handed her the glass from the small table next to the bed.

"There's something I need to tell you." He had never let go of her hand, and was now rubbing his thumb over the back of it. The pad of his thumb rough against her skin. "I love you and I thought that I would never get to say that to you. And I want to have a family and kids and a house with you and… and I never want to leave you again.

She is the only person who has made him speechless, and much less been able to do it on multiple accounts. "Jane… I love you too. And I'll love you until one of us dies and even then i'll love you, and I want to have kids with you and a family and to be there for you. And I know this is kind of sudden and not exactly how I pictured it but, Jane Shepard… Will you Marry me?

"Garrus? Are you…" Then she saw the ring he pulled out. "YES. oh god yes." She was crying and she had pulled him to her so quickly she nearly pulled out her I.V..

"I love you Garrus Vakarian."

"I love you Jane Shepard. Or is it Jane Vakarian now?"

They both sat there in each others embrace, just wanting to be close to the other, not saying a word.


End file.
